Another year has flown by and I’m sitting here wondering what happened to the time.
Really though, 2017 was a rough year for me. For a lot of us, I think. I sit and reflect on what happened, what I did, how I grew as a person, and just feel disappointed in myself. If you know me very well, you know I can be extremely hard on myself. I feel like I took very little time for myself this year; I barely blogged, I only went hiking twice, I took very few photos, came up with only a few recipes, didn’t have many adventures, didn’t do.. .much. It’s hard to judge your own life when you have depression, and this year I’ve felt like I was drowning in it. If my greatest victory of the day is getting out of bed, does that make me lazy or am I strong for fighting? My daily routine takes so much out of me, and that is before factoring in all the other bullshit: medical issues, family stuff, work stress I can’t help but bring home, a significant other isn’t that happy, either. My grandpa died, my cat died, my grandma has been suffering from more health issues, my body is fucked, everything is expensive, my anxiety has skyrocketed this year, I can never get my brain to stop. A constant flurry of thoughts as stressful as driving through a snowstorm without any windshield wipers. I feel like I’m constantly rushing through life, and I’m really tired of it.
I’m not writing this as a pity post, I just need to reflect for myself as a wake up call. I am not leaving 2017 any happier than when it started. Probably less so. If anything, I learned a lot. I learned how not to cope, because drinking too much vodka, online shopping, endless hours of social media, trying to hide from my problems doesn’t make them go away, it doesn’t make me happier.
I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes in 2018. I can’t change a lot of my circumstances so I need to change my attitude. I didn’t really set myself goals for 2017 (aside from making it through the year), so for 2018 I’ll be compiling a list of goals and updating as the year goes on. If 2017 was the year of uninspired apathy, I want 2018 to be the year of creativity, self improvement, self discovery. I want to grow as a person. I want to improve my blog, share more of the things I enjoy and care about. I want to happy and maybe I don’t know how to be happy, but I do know how not to be happy, so I guess that’s as good a first step as anything else.
Despite all of the above I’ve said: was 2017 all bad? No, not at all. I made new friends, became closer to important people in my life, went to several great concerts, went on a road trip, had a lot of fun with J, made some pretty significant discoveries regarding my medical probs, laughed a lot, drank so much good coffee, and snuggled my cats many, many times. I honestly already have so much I’m looking forward to in 2018: I’m going to see my favorite singer (VIP, yaaaas) at the beginning of February, I’m going to Hawaii in May (first time!), I’m already creating bucket lists of all the hikes I want to go on and books I want to read, I feel like I’m starting to breathe again and can be excited about life. And that feels good.
For New Year’s Eve, J decided we needed to get off the grid and go out of town. His mom and step-dad own a cabin out in the middle of nowhere and invited us out for the weekend. It was nice to be out of cell service, relax and listen to music and read, and take some photos. New Year’s Eve was very low key, spent listening to music with family around a bonfire and drinking and feasting on carne asada, chicken, shrimp, chips, salad, and more food than I can even recall. I left feeling refreshed and inspired to take on the New Year.