Wow. Tomorrow is the first day of December, 2018.
It’s been nearly a year since I’ve blogged.
To be honest, I’ve wanted to come back. I’ve wanted to blog, but anytime I thought about it or sat down to write, my mind just filled with thoughts about not being good enough. Comparing myself to other bloggers and everyone on social media had me feeling… apathetic. Uninspired. Scrolling though Instagram where practically EVERY. SINGLE. POST. is an ad, and even though I know it’s not real, knowing that I can’t (and don’t honestly want to) be at that level, just left me very disenchanted with the whole scene. I needed a break.
This is absolutely no hate on those who blog for money and contribute to the ads. You do you. Except the ones whose intent is to make you feel bad about something, then buy whatever they are shilling because it’s going to make you and your life ~so much better~. I digress. There’s a lot of bloggers who I adore who, of course, write sponsored posts, post ads on instagram and other social media sites, sell things because it’s their job. Blogging isn’t my job. For me, it’s a hobby, and I kind of got wrapped up in what everyone else was doing, and what I thought I “should” be doing, leaving me in a disconnect from what I honestly like and want to do here. Anyway, I’m trying to transition back into blogging because I really miss it now. I don’t have much for creative outlets and I can feel the strain it leaves on me.
So what’s been happening this year?
WE GOT A PUPPY! His name is Chester and he is a perfect angel, except when he’s being a teenage puppy, which is most of the hours he is awake. We love him to death. I’ll have to write a post about his story and how he came to be ours soon.
In February, I got to meet my favorite musician, Lights, in person. I nearly died of nervousness and excitement. She was the sweetest and so adorable.
In May, I got to go on a trip to Hawaii with my work, which was a blast. Shoutout to everyone at work who went and made it so great and my boss for taking us. I’d never been to Hawaii before and it was an amazing experience, I’d love to go back.
J & I took a really nice road trip in September. We traveled through Bend, OR, over to Idaho, and briefly dipped into Montana. We decided we love Montana and need to go back. Not in September though, as we were swarmed by bees basically everywhere we went.
Well. Health stuff. One of my last posts before dipping out on the blogging scene was about discovering I have a hormone imbalance that my doctor has given me a diagnosis for: female hypogonadism. This basically means that my sex hormones aren’t being produced for some reason, which leaves me in a state comparable to 1. permanent PMS or 2. menopause. Yeah. At 26 years old? It’s fantastic /s. I’m still in the dark about the cause of my condition, and I’ve been working with my naturopath for about a year to restore my hormone function, but it’s not getting any better. Considering one of the main complications is infertility, this is a pretty upsetting situation to be in. Hypogonadism is usually a chronic condition that requires some form of hormone therapy to keep my hormones from dropping again (once we get things leveled out, that is).
I’ve also been dealing with back problems for the past year on and off, that has kept me from being able to do some of my favorite things: working out, hiking, sleeping well. I go through spurts of pain and spasms combined with limited movement. For the first half of the year, once the pain and spasms had gone away, I’d try to start (gently) working out again but unfortunately every time I did, I’d injure myself again. I’ve quit trying to exercise aside from walking Chester and occasionally stretching, and since a road trip we went on in September my back has been out for 3 months. I’m working with my doctor to try to get to the bottom of it and start some physical therapy to get myself back in shape.
Between the back pain, hormone shit, all of my normal stomach problems and pains, it’s really no surprise that I’ve spent a large portion of the year in a fog of depression. The hormone imbalances have also wreaked havoc on my anxiety, which left my crying nearly daily for months, especially at work, because I’ve started having more anxiety attacks and have become terrible at handling my stress. I’ve gone back to therapy to try to manage my anxiety and improve my life, and it has been helping to an extent. Having Chester to take care of really helps, too. I guess you could say I’ve been feeling stuck in a disconnect: to myself, my body, my life. I feel like I’ve given up in a sense, because I’m stuck in a limbo: I have several chronic health conditions that seem to keep piling up on each other, I’m in pain and reminded of them daily, and yet since they’re not visible to others and they’re not “that bad” I feel like I don’t have the right to be sad about them. Like I haven’t spent the majority of my adult life sick, in pain, spending thousands of dollars at the doctors. I feel like I’m just complaining because I know other people who have it much, much worse. I’m not feeling sorry for myself, but it sucks. This isn’t how I pictured spending my 20s. It’s not how I want to spend the rest of my life, either. It’s hard to ask for help when I make jokes about my health to cope with it. I’d rather laugh than cry, especially if I can’t do anything to fix it. I hate feeling out of control, and that’s what this all is, and sharing it with however many people end up reading this is a little scary. I’m tired of feeling ashamed of myself, of feeling “less than”. It’s hard to find the solution when you don’t even know the cause of the problem, but I’m trying really hard to stay as positive as I can and work through this.
If anyone is still here after a year and read through this whole piece: Thank you for the support and ily. Thank you to those who haven’t given up on me even when I give up on myself.